When my son, Ean was around 7 or 8 months old I decided I could no longer pretend and I officially threw in the towel. I walked across that invisible line that exists between breeders and non-breeders and officially joined “the dark side”.
I had to finally come clean with myself and the world.
I didn’t just love my son; I started to like him as well.
Don’t get me wrong; I knew from the moment he was born that I loved him. That I would do everything I could to make sure he was clean, fed, a decent little person and most importantly keep him alive and in one piece until his father made it back home from overseas!
However, this new found revelation of mine did not come with ease. You see…. well, there is just no easy way of saying this except flat out. I’m not a lover of kids or babies. I mean they can be cute and all from afar, but up close my senses start screaming. FLEE! FLEE! FLEE! We (children and I) have seemed to always have this unspoken agreement. They stayed away from me and I from them. Occasionally I would lock eyes with one. It was much like attending the zoo in a way, standing opposite of them in observance of something totally foreign and wild to you. A look of curiosity in each of our eyes saying the unspoken words “I just don’t know what to do with you” or “you’re just so weird, this is awkward”
I will admit, I did throw a few wistful glances over my shoulder during my cross over. I stared into the eyes of those I was leaving. The contempt and smugness obvious in their perfectly mascaraed eyes. I know that look I had that look. But I turned around, thankful I did not turn into a pillar of salt. It would have been impossible to keep Ean alive as a sodium statue; the husband would have been displeased, and with my no mascara “in quite awhile” eyes, that were now filled with the image of my son I stepped over the line. WILLINGLY! Slightly reluctant but willing. Who would have ever “thunk” it. Not me for sure.
See, this is what happened he started smiling, and smiling and smiling and smiling! Really this kid smiles a lot! Yes, he had been smiling for several months but somehow it changed. It went from “awww look at him smile, do you think he has gas?” to an infectious, life altering, the clouds align perfectly and the sun shines on his perfect little face. His little mouth turns up and his lips almost disappear in smile. Those chunky cheeks (he gets those from me, although cute now, they past the age of 14) become two perfect little rising orbs, his eyes shift turning into two diamonds that wink sparkling light and it strikes my very soul. And Beaver Dam IT! The world changes! (I know I still hang my head in disbelief and shame) You start to see it differently for the first time in….. honestly I don’t know how long.
When we first start out in this world, everything seems magical and wonderful. Think about it we descend into this world and at first everything is hazy and kind of surreal.
Then as your vision starts to get sharper you discover you’re in a land full of Giants who make everything you could possibly want appear! Before you even know you want it! Before you even know what it is and know that you want it! Then as we grow bigger, we are filled with lullabies and fairytales and toys and parties. And everyone gives you attention and tells you how cute and smart you are. But, Somewhere along the way the magic dies. We become jaded, hormones set in and we hate our parents, we hate everything actually, lol. (Probably because of the subconscious reality that we thought this cool place we started out in isn’t magical after all). Philosophize that!
*Side note: I like to affectionately call these jaded, parent hating years “The Dark Ages” because teenagers can be such monsters. You want to either a) wear black and mourn their figurative death and wait for the their glorious resurrection. Where you can rejoice at the reemergence of your new and improved child. Or b) you want to call a priest, have holy water thrown on them and hope the demon possession inside will release your child before their head spins around and you get covered in puke, just another thing for you to clean up. This is just an observation. :)
I digress, back to smiling Ean....
When that little guy smiles at me, it brings the magic back into my life. I’m able to see it thru his eyes, the wonder the excitement. How much we take for granted in this go, go, gadget world of ours. Thru Ean’s eyes, the eyes of a nine-month-old baby, I see the magic of life again. The true miracle of our very exsistence. I’ve been humbled against my reluctance at "digging" being a mom. I’m finally starting to learn the new lessons life has to teach me. I’m learning to get over myself (sort of). I’ve been reminded of all the good that has to be left in this world. Because something as awesome as that little being; gifted to an undeserving me, could not exist with out it. It’s just not possible.
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| Ean! Mommy said NO! |
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| Seriously mom? You're not serious, right? |
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